Last Sunday I decided to send Duey my scar story. It had been weighing heavily on my mind, so I had to do something about it. To be honest I didn't think my scar was such a big deal, just for the fact is wasn't exactly some big, huge thing. Duey replied and was thrilled that I wanted to speak, and I decided that if he thought it was worth while I should share. Throughout my week things started to brighten and everything seemed to come back to normal. It suddenly seemed irrelevant to share my story.
Sunday morning suddenly was upon me, and I waited until after Core to go and face Duey. As I walked up to him, his face lit up as he asked if I was going to speak that night. I told him that I didn't think I would, and continued to tell him my thoughts. What he said next completely changed my view. He said that perhaps the devil gave me a good week in hopes of making me not speak. That statement held so much truth in it! I couldn't really believe it though! I never thought that Satan could really do that. The truth is I was just beginning to see his evilness.
I went home to my computer so I could get on my email, which was where my scar story was stored. But obviously, the internet didn't work. I wasn't shocked in the slightest. Certain of the cause of my problems I began to write out what I would say. I became frustrated and frantic. The words that I wanted to say wouldn't come out and I was beginning to think the devil was winning. Then, a friend texted me and I told him about my situation. He gave me the best advice. He told me to pray about it, and that God would give me the words He wanted me to share. Without those words of encouragement, I don't know if I could have done it. Thank you Sam. Just to let you know my computer didn't work the whole rest of the time I was home. My mom even bought a new cord while I was at youth group. When I got home, I ran to my room, knowing full well what the status of the computer would be. It was perfect, no problems or anything. It still freaks me out to thinking about how close the devil is to us, and how much power he has over worldly things! It's crazy!
Regardless of what Satan tried to do, he ultimately failed. So here's what I shared with my 180 family:
If you were to look at me you wouldn't think that I had any scars. I'm always that happy smiling girl that hangs around with a lot of people.
The truth is that's not me. Everyday I have to put on a mask, just so people don't know that something is wrong. I always feel like I am so alone. I honestly don't have anyone at school that I can talk to. My one true friend abandoned me and now tells other people my secrets. I sit at a lunch table full of supposed friends everyday, and I rarely get talked to. Because of the emptiness I dive into school and band just to keep my mind off of it. The one thing that helped me was when I would go home at night to sing and play worship songs because I knew that God would never leave my side.
Some days are better than others now because I have the support of people from youth group. Here I've finally found someone who I can open up to about anything and everything, and genuinely cares about me. (That person would be Sam Dusenbery. And to you Sam, I thank you for all of the support and love you have shown me, you are a true friend.) Sometimes I don't know how I would get along without him. Loneliness is still a problem to me, but slowly and surely I am healing.
After sharing I felt as if such a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders. My speech touched one of the girls in my group personally, and I felt honored to be able to connect with her in that. I knew that through my struggle God was reaching out to people, and that my troubles were for a reason. It was such an amazing feeling to know that I spoke to so many people's hearts.
As a prologue to what I told my youth group I just wanted to say that emotional scars don't have to be big to affect you in big ways. Smaller scars can be deep, so don't dismiss them as nothing like I almost did. Never be afraid to share your scars with people that you know you can trust. They can help you to find the healing you so desperately need, or just be there for support. Remember that everyone has a scar; and every scar tells a story, but the ending hasn't been written yet. You have the power to choose how it ends. Take a risk to find healing, and remember that God heals if you let him.
I will leave you with our verse of the night, which hits home with me so much.
Genesis 50:20
You intended to harm me,
but God intended it for good
to accomplish what is now being done:
the saving of many lives.
That was very well written! Nice Job!
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